Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Confections and Confessions

You know, while they’re going down, eating freshly-baked cookies certainly seems like the right thing to do.

Just picture it…the warm, sweet vapors that rise up through your nose as you place the cookie near your lips, making your mouth water in preparation for the bite you will take of the slightly crisp outside of this sweet little orb, then further down into its softy, chewy center, while tiny bits of melted chocolate touch your taste buds and send your endorphins into a tailspin.

(Okay, right about now, I’m sure you are all thinking that I spent WAY too much time over at Loving Annie’s alter-ego blog!)

…Then of course, you wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and realize that you can actually see that wonderful confection hanging on for dear life to the outside of your thigh.

Okay, tonight it was either a choice of wine or Reese’s Peanut Butter and Chocolate cookies. I started with the wine, but soon remembered that I had to drive my son to jazz band practice and then go visit a home-bound elderly woman right after that. So I drank a few sips, and then left it alone. After visiting with my friend and then picking my son back up, I began to realize I still had that “empty” feeling deep inside.

The funny thing is, I know that feeling isn't hunger or thirst. Quite frankly, that emptiness is just another form of frustration, of feeling out of control of a life that’s actually supposed to be mine.

Take my husband’s ex (please!) for instance. I have had my share of good and bad experiences with this woman and I like her...I really do. But lately her discourteousness just takes the proverbial cake. Three years ago, when her daughter came to live with us, I made the mistake of allowing her to come and visit her daughter whenever she wanted. Of course, her daughter was not at the lovely age of fourteen back then. Now, the ex will call my stepdaughter on her cell phone to tell her she’s outside my house. My stepdaughter then tells her to come in, but does not get up to let her in. Within seconds, I will hear my un-knocked door opening, and there she is in all of her blond-haired, skinny-body, designer clothing glory. Added to this is the fact that within several minutes, they will start arguing like two teenagers (which is okay for one of them)…and then a full-blown fight will ensue. Of course, by this point, I am hiding in my bedroom just to escape, feeling like a prisoner in my own home.

The other day, she came in while I was cleaning my house with crazy hair and no makeup. I ran into my bedroom until she was safely ensconced in her daughter’s room and until the voices rose high enough for me to plan my breakout without the embarrassment of her seeing me. I quietly grabbed my walking poles from the hall closet, and tip-toed really fast out the front door. As I pounded the pavement with my rubber-tipped staffs, I subconsciously kicked myself in my butt for not being able to just stand up for myself and for the sanity of my house. And I never finished cleaning, either.

Then, of course, we have all of the other lovely family holiday drama going on, with jail birds and women that eat like birds and me turning into a cuckoo bird from all of it. And let’s not forget that I am supposed to go visit a college that’s five hours away on Thursday with my daughter and my ex-husband, who drives like Mr. Magoo on crack cocaine.

Okay, but back to the cookies.

I could’ve gotten on my treadmill. But no, I baked cookies. And I ate them. A lot of them. And now I feel like crap. But when I pass that cookie jar again, I know somehow that worthless feeling will go away, and visions of chocolate chips will dance very attractively in my head. And I will happily dance with them, at least for a minute or two.

But for you, my dear blogging buddies, I wish cookies eaten in joy and not frustration. I wish many happy hours of holiday delight spent stress-free with the ones you love most. May the wonder of the season embrace you with the things that matter most to you. Most of all, may God bless you and yours now and in the coming New Year. Happy Holidays!

(For some creative holiday reading, please visit Berserker Norway...she posted a lovely little article about "Thanks and Giving.")


LZ Blogger said...

I have a confession... I LOVE HOMEMADE cookies! Merry Christmas to you and your family! ~ jb///

Guilty Secret said...

That must be really hard. Maybe it's time you redefined the boundaries with them?

Happy Christmas! Hope you have a lovely one too :)

Carine said...

Oh Lisa, homemade cookies are hard to resist. I love baking and creating, so I make them and send them off w/ hubby and son to share at work.
don't be so hard on yourself. You are human

Mark said...

May you find peace in this season and may you find a way to take control over your home and not allow yourself to feel like a stranger in your home because you allow the husbands ex wife to be a nut in your home. Time to re-set some boundries for the new year. You can do this with firm love.
Have a great holiday. Now I want a cookie!

Dust-bunny said...

Dear Jerry,

Merry Christmas right back at'cha!! And have a wonderful New Year, too!

Take good care,

Dust-bunny said...

Dear Guilty,

I absolutely have to set major boundaries, but unfortunately, I've never been any good at it (obviously)! I think it's a great New Year's resolution, though!

May you have a wonderful Christmas and many blessings in the New Year.

Take good care,

Dust-bunny said...

Dear Carine,

Yes, I LOVE homemade cookies...as a matter of fact, the ones I spoke of came in a tub from our kids' fund raiser for band, but tonight I'm making the real deal...lots of buttery sugar cookies, REAL chocolate chip cookies, brownies, pecan crescents, thumbprints...I think I'd better get started!!

Take good care,

Dust-bunny said...

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your wish of peace. When it comes right down to it, I truly think the only thing I've ever wanted was peace of mind...and although many people say that's what they want, there are so many others who wouldn't know the first thing to do with it. Wow...I hope I'm not one of them!!

May you have a great holiday season, and all the best to you and yours!

Take good care,

Matty said...

I hope in the New Year you can re-set the boundaries so that ex-wife doesn't do this again. It's not fair to you. Daughter has grown in the last 3 years..so new rules have to be inforced. Why should you be victimized if she can't act like an adult?
A few cookies can't hurt. Granddaughter and I are baking this weekend. No treadmill for me..had to put treadmill in the shed...as the tree needs the room.
Wishing you and your family a safe, healthy..happy Holiday.

annie said...

The x thing sounds very annoying! I hope you can figure out a way to take your home back. Maybe always LOCK your door. That way she would at least have to knock. ???
Merry Merry Christmas!

Big Dave T said...

I've had too many cookie encounters myself already this holiday season. But at least they don't show on my thighs. I just have problems tightening my belt.

Probably just the mood I'm in right now but I think you should kick that woman's butt.

Kacey said...

Dear Sweet Lisa, You have to stop allowing your ex's access to your own personal space. Perhaps, you could have your hubby tell his ex that this is your home and she needs to speak to her daughter in a neutral place and stop poisoning the air in your home. Never let someone drive you to the cookie jar ---- remember, in your own home, you are the BOSS! Merry Christmas!

Dust-bunny said...

Dear Matty, Annie, Big Dave, and Kacey-

Please forgive my very impersonal group reply, but the season has gotten the best of me and I haven't been able to find the time to devote to my blog for the last few weeks...

My husband and I have discussed reinforcing some boundaries. This is not an easy process (especially for my stepdaughter), but there is no choice right now. It's either my sanity or her freedom, and I'm sorry, but in this case, my mental state has to come first. And kicking some butt might be effective, also (Dave, you crack me up)!

...And as for the cookie issue...well, there are some more to be baked today, as well as brownies from scratch...so I'm just being really unhealthy and staying away from most food in general because I am eating WAY too much of my own sweets...you know, Snickerdoodles for breakfast, butter cookies for lunch, and I guess I'll be having brownies for dinner, hee hee....

Anyway, I hope everything is well with all of you, and that you have a beautiful Christmas with the ones you love!

Take good care,

Loving Annie said...

I've been eating sugar all month. Sometimes you've gotta indulge...:)

Betty said...

Dear Lisa,

I hope this helps you to feel a little better about your cookie issue- I just ate an entire box of ice cream sandwiches! I didn't even bother to use Christmas cookies- I used ice cream sandwiches, which I could have used any other time of the year! At least you're seasonally appropriate!

Hugs and happy holidays,

Dust-bunny said...

Dear Loving Annie and Betty,

I think it's just something about the holidays that makes us throw all caution to the wind, and just say "What the heck?" I do admit, I have indulged a little too much this year, and I'm definitely going to try to get back into a routine of working out (something I actually had once for a few years, and I felt great...then I got remarried, and we both got lazy...not good)!

I'm looking forward to feeling healthy again!

Take good care,

Carine said...

have to share Lisa!

DD was taken off the steroids and the terbutaline-
we're on baby watch for DGS #2!

here's the big question will DGS#1 (Dylan) be a big brother by his first birthday next Friday or not????

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